By J.A.
When I became pregnant in August 2001, I went out on disability 7 months early because of complications. The doctor decided that it would be safer for me to stay at home and rest especially since I was an older patient and it was my first child. During this time, I was not overly concerned since I saw the doctor weekly. I passed the time by reading up on pregnancy and things to expect while pregnant.
Early in the pregnancy, I had this overwhelming urge to read up on autism, vaccines and antibiotics. Although I was a pharmacist, I didn’t realize how little I knew about vaccines until I started to read about the potential adverse effects it had on babies. When I was pregnant, I discovered how vaccinations could potentially cause adverse neurological and devastating developmental problems. I was always conflicted because I didn’t know why I was spending so much time on reading about vaccines and its relationship to autism. I kept telling myself, “my baby won’t be autistic. “It’s all in my mind.” And I knew that the longer I dwelled on this, Murphy’s Law would eventually lead me to have an “autistic child” Therefore, I decided not to think about it. However, I continued to read about vaccinations, thimerosal and autism.
I also came across information relating the use of antibiotics and autism as well. I reflected on how many prescriptions I filled at work every day for kids for a combination of antibiotics and Tylenol. I would shiver at the thought of what these unsuspecting parents may be unknowingly getting themselves into. Nevertheless, I ended up reading many books on vaccines, their adverse reactions, natural healing methods, organic foods, autism, pdd, baby books regarding normal development, Dr. Spock books, and other pregnancy books. I spent pretty much of the 7 months reading about issues that I had no reason to read about. However, there was something that was always nagging at me in the back of my mind and forcing me to increase my knowledge in this area.
When Nick was born on May 14, 2002, he was a normal 7 lb baby boy, 19 inches long. He was so beautiful with a perfectly round head, nice red lips, a full head of black hair and the most perfect skin. He looked like an angel. Apgar scores were normal but he had a little jaundice. Before he was born, I decided to go as natural and organic as I could. It was difficult at first and then it became second nature. Finding natural products was a difficult part and paying the high prices was even more difficult especially since we were living on a single income.
Nevertheless at the end of the night, I would lay there in semidarkness and watch my son’s chest rise and fall as he slept. To me, he was a beautiful little angel that had come to me. I would stare at him for what seemed like forever. At times, I would just cry thinking as to how lucky I was to have him in my life. He is truly my miracle baby.
Before he was born, I decided not to have him vaccinated for Hepatitis B because I felt this was inappropriate according to what I had read on vaccines. I was already screened for Hepatitis B and therefore, it was impossible for him to get it from me or anyone else for that matter. As I’ve already stated, I can’t explain my driving need to read up on autism and vaccines, etc. I even spent much of my free time learning to identify childhood diseases, treatments and homeopathic remedies. I have been told that it was my child’s energy guiding me and preparing me for what was to come. Although I didn’t believe it at the time, in retrospect, I have no doubt that this was true. I regret that I didn’t trust those feelings at the time. I feel extremely guilty about that. I’ve already apologized to Nick and one day, I hope he will tell me that it’s alright. For now, I struggle with getting him to a “place” where he will be accepted as just one of the little boys at his school. Now I cannot turn back. I have to help him to come out of his shell. He is almost there, we are almost there.
My mom stayed with us for about 1 month to help out. She cooked all of our meals and even helped with Nick. Well, she never offered to change diapers because it would make her nauseous. However, she loved to have him sleep on her chest and she would watch him sleep. She really enjoyed it. I don’t believe Nick had an eye contact problem before 4 months old. I never realized that he didn’t look at me because I actually believe we had good eye contact. However, around 4 months old, I noticed that the eye contact was not right. When I would feed him at night with the bottle, he would stare at the LED light on the digital CLOCK across the room. He would not look at my eyes even if it was semi-dark. I would even place my hand on the side of his face so that he could not see the light but he would always struggle to turn his head away from mine to look at that clock. I was really disturbed by this because all of the books said that he was supposed to look at me while I fed him. That was how we were supposed to bond.
Ironically, after I spent all that time reading those books on vaccines and pregnancy, I still debated on whether or not I should have him vaccinated. I had actually put off the 2 month vaccinations until the 3rd month. At that time, I broke down and had him vaccinated with the DTap and Polio. I did not have the other 2 that were recommended. Even with the 2 vaccines, I had this overwhelming feeling that it was not right but I did it anyway because I thought I was being paranoid. How was I supposed to know? Sometimes all I do is think, think, think. I am unable to discern the difference between paranoia and intuitiveness.
Nevertheless, when I went home, I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt and I began to worry about what I had done. I stayed up late at night reading about the 2 vaccines and trying to find out if they were from the “hot” lots. It turned out that they probably were not however; I still wasn’t 100 percent sure about it. They had a lot of adjuvants which were also heavy metals. That’s when I decided to end the vaccinations. Now that I think about it, I noticed that Nick’s eye contact was lacking when he was 4 months old just 1 month after he received his 2 vaccinations. I can’t help but to think that this was a result of the vaccines. This could hot have been a coincidence. I never noticed anything before then as far as I can remember.
When I expressed my concerns to my husband about Nick’s lack of eye contact, he said that he didn’t notice anything unusual. Actually, I don’t think my husband would notice anything unusual unless it was pasted on his forehead. Since he didn’t see anything, I thought I was just being overly sensitive. I continued days and weeks with Nick and it really began to bother me because I knew I was not imagining things. When my mom came and visited me again when Nick was 2 years old, she asked me if he had hearing problems because she also noticed that he was not responding to his name when called. I told her that we had his hearing tested and that it was fine. Therefore she became really concerned. I had actually mentioned this to the pediatrician when Nick was 18 months old and he told me that it was probably developmental and nothing to worry about. At that time, Nick was also not speaking when he should have been.
TAPOSITIVELY 